Saturday, February 14, 2015

Who am I?

It happened again.  That thing that happens, where I'm feeling significantly better and the world is so much brighter, tasks easier, hope stronger, so much so that I think "it's over, the worst is over, and it won't come back again because I feel's gone..I finally found the answer"- then it hits me, just as quickly as it came, it leaves, dark, quick, so fast there isn't time to breathe into it, consider the possibilities, stop before the train runs me over.  It comes in, like a wild storm- unforgiving, cold, relentless, no matter how much you pray or bargain- it comes.

And warm salty tears run down my face again, and I smile for a second because I realize that I almost forgot how my salty tears sting my face when I cry during flares.  I recount that it had been weeks since tears had left my eyes, how I thought it was over, how I almost forgot, in just two short weeks, what it felt like to cry out of sheer anguish, pain, and defeat.

I struggle with who I am and what this means.  I thought I could be a successful therapist, I say to myself.  And then my head spins- who am I?  Am I competent, full of life and ideas, or am I sick?  Am I weak and unwell, or am I as strong as I felt when I held that yoga pose for longer and worked an extra shift for work?

All this time I've been working to be well and to figure out what well Laura looks like.  I frequently speak of the Universe, divine timing, fate, energy healing, spirituality, both in my own head and to those I am close to- yet I can also be a grand cynic, smirking to myself when I think of the sacrifices I've made and how sometimes, maybe it isn't fate at all, maybe it's just freakin circumstance.  Sometimes I can sit quietly, tap with EFT, chant "om shanti" in my head (asking for peace) and feel it, believe it, and other times, I will literally look at myself and say- what the fuck?  No, I don't think chanting om shanti is really going to do it for you today.  And I laugh, because cynical Laura is funny, and spiritual Laura is just kidding herself.

So, who am I?  I am both.  I am all of it.  I am well and I am sick.  I am competent and I am tired.  I am passionate and I am doubtful.  I am stubborn and I am easy going.  I am spiritual and I am cynical.  I believe in the unseen, and I need scientific proof.

I am all of these things- not defined by one thing, not exempt because of another.

I am and can be all of these things.  I am and can be more.  I am and can be less.  None of this, none of this defines me.  What defines me is the fact that I am undefinable.

And that is the answer.